Wrestling Idiots
by MY NAME IS KISSES
Summary: A guy who likes to get laid, an idiot who falls in love with crazy chicks, a flat out idiot who had a gay experience, a crazy guy who is obsessed with fire, a scary m-fer and a dude who is obsessed with looks. These people are CM Punk, Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne, Kane, The Undertaker and Zack Ryder. When they're around, crazy things has to ensue.
1. Chapter 1: Day Off

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY WWE SUPERSTARS IN THIS STORY AND I AM IN NO WAY PROFITING OFF OF THIS. **

**A/N: Airbourne is Evan Bourne, Ziggles is Dolph Ziggler, Rydher is Zack Ryder, Big Red Crotched Monster is Kane, Rest in bed is The Undertaker and The Best In the Bed is CM Punk**

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Chapter 1: Day Off

Evan Bourne had just come back from the gym and decided to log on to _MSN. _When he did, he found that a lot of people were online, so he started a group chat.

**Airbourne: **Hola.

**Ziggles: **Is there any reason why I'm in a group conversation?

**Rydher: **Yeah. You logged on, he invited you and you accepted...duh.

**Big Red Crotched Monster: **Your screen name is Rydher? As in Ride her?

**Rydher: **Says the guy with the screen name Big Red Crotched Monster. Wait...is your crotch really red?

**Big Red Crotched Monster: **Yes. Yes it is.

**Airbourne: **I'm gonna be sick

**Best In The Bed: **Thank you for ruining my brain.

**Rest In Bed: **Best In The Bed? Okay, do we have anymore people with sexual references in their screen names?

**Ziggles: **Your name's kinda sexual.

**Rest In Bed:** How the hell does rest in bed sound sexual?

**Best In The Bed: **A girl rests in a bed and you have your way with her. Take it from a guy whose screen name is best in the bed.

**Rest In Bed:**...Can we change the topic?

**Airbourne: **When I was on a plane one time, I saw this hot girl and kept saying in my mind "Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner." and then I looked over and saw that she had a boner.

**Ziggles:**...I have a lot of gay jokes running through my mind.

**Rest In Bed:** Okay, change the topic to something NON-SEXUAL

**Big Red Crotched Monster: **Yeah, I don't need to see Evan having sex with a shemale.

**Best In The Bed: **It's hard not to think of anything sexual when this idiot ^ has a screen name like that.

**Big Red Crotched Monster: **Look who's talking Mr. Best In The Bed.

**Rest In Bed: ** Both of you change your screen names...NOW

**Ziggles: **When was the last time any of you got laid?

**Airbourne: **An hour ago.

**Rest In Bed: **Yester...wait, didn't I say nothing sexual?

**Ziggles: **I don't believe that

**Rest In Bed: **So, no ones going to acknowledge what just typed

**Airbourne:** Don't believe me? The french girls with fake boobs are in my bed now.

**Rest In Bed: **Uhh...

**Ziggles: **Girls...Fake boobs...GIRLS. What room are you in, because one of them is going with me.

**Airbourne: **317.

_**Rest In Bed has signed out...**_

**Airbourne: **You don't think...you better get your ass over here fast. First person to get here get's the blonde.

**_Ziggles has signed out._**..

**Airbourne: **Alone...

**Rydher: **No you're not.

**Airbourne: **Holy Crap, he's alive!

**Rydher:** Funny?

**Big Red Love Snake: **I'm back...Why didn't you change your name?

**Rydher: **I knew that he would make me change it so I kept quiet.

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **Big Red Love Snake?

**Big Red Love Snake: **Show Some Respect...To My Penis? Yours has the actual word. Mine has a slang.

**Rydher: **...You people are #sssssiiiiiccccckkkkk and disgusting. I'm out.

_**Rydher has signed out...**_

**Airbourne: **Nick or Mark is at my door so I'll be back.

_**Airbourne has signed out...**_

**Big Red Love Snake: **Just you and me...

_**Ziggles has signed in...**_

_**Airbourne has signed in...**_

**Ziggles: **The old fruit bag got my french blonde.

**Airbourne:** I told you to hurry up.

**Ziggles: **His room was next to yours!

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **You dumb bitch, I'm not even holding a microphone. Are you fucking stupid?

**Ziggles:**...

**Airbourne:**...

**Big Red Love Snake:**...

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **Sorry, I was talking to a girl I banged last night.

**Ziggles: **And you're telling her that? Rate her looks on a scale from 1 to 10

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **definitely 10 and I was quoting something from ROH.

**Ziggles: **No one cares what you did in ROH. They care about the size of your (_See Austin Powers rocket ship that looks like a giant...dick, take a look at the sky there. Oh my god it looks like a giant...pecker! Hey, that's not a wood pecker. It looks like someone's...PRIVATES! WE HAVE REPORTS OF AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT. IT IS A LONG, SMOOTH SHAFT COMPLETE WITH...Two balls! Hey, what's that? It looks just like an enormous...Wang! Pay attention! I was distracted by that enormous flying...Willy, what's that? It looks like a giant...Wiener? You kids want another wiener? Dad, what's that? I don't know son, but it's got great big...Nuts! Salty nuts! Who wants some? God lord almighty. That looks just like my husbands...One eyed monster! Step right up to see the one eyed monster! Hey, what's that? It looks like a giant... Woody! Woody Carlson, can I have your autograph? Sure, no problem. Oh my lord. Look at that thing. It's so big. I've seen bigger. It's...just a little prick.)_

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis**: Okay, I'm going to leave now. I gotta go get ready for that girl.

_**Show Some Respect**...**To My Penis has** **signed**_** _out..._**

**Big Red Love Snake:**And I'm going to look for that Austin Powers thing.

_**Big Red Love Snake has signed** **out**..._

**Airbourne:** Me too._  
_

_**Airbourne has signed out...**  
_

**Ziggles:** Forever alone._  
_

_**Ziggles has signed out...**  
_

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**So, keep it or delete it?**


	2. Chapter 2: Evan The Explorer

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY WWE SUPERSTARS IN THIS STORY. THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. **

**A/N: Don't murder me for taking so long to update! I have so much to look forward to! Nah, I'm just kidding, but I often lie to myself about that. The only thing I look forward to is watching wrestling. **

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Chapter 2: Evan The Explorer

"This is ridiculous," Punk said while putting on a red pair of boots.

"Just let they man-child have fun. It'll-" Zack was cut off by Punk.

"No, not that. What's ridiculous is that I'm Punk The Monkey. I'm supposed to be Punk The Explorer. I'm the WWE Champion and he's just a mid-carder." Zack rolled his eyes and fixed the horns on his head. He was Zack The Bull, Kane was The Big Red Kane, Mark was Mark The Squirrel and Nick was Swiper The Bleach Blonde Spaghetti Haired Fox.

"Is everyone ready?" Evan asked. Everyone groaned. In this "episode", Punk was at his house and Evan wanted to visit him. Later on, Zack, Kane and Mark would see him and follow. Nick will just be waiting to take whatever crap they get on their adventure.

Everyone except for Evan left the room and turned to the imaginary camera.

"Hello, kids. How are you?" When no one answered, he said the next line. "I'm doing great too! I'm going to Punk's house. Will you follow me?" He still didn't get an answer so he skipped away. He found Zack and called him. "Hi, Zack. I'm going to Punk's house. Would you like to come?" He groaned and nodded. "Good! _Pará onde estamos indo? Pará a casa de Punk!" _(Where are we going? To Punk's house! In Portuguese).

"What fucking language is that? We were supposed to be speaking Spanish!" Evan kicked Zack in the nuts and he fell to the ground.

"My show, my rules," he said while trying to keep in character. "When a boy swears, you're supposed to kick them in the balls, kids." He didn't get a reaction, so he assumed that they didn't know what balls were. He pulled down his pants and his underwear in a crowded hallway and proceeded to grab his balls. "Kids, These are what we call balls. You can drag them across women's faces. If you're a girl and you have these, see a doctor IMMEDIATELY." Zack got back up and saw what Evan was doing.

"Are you teaching them to be fucking perverts?" That earned him another kick in the nuts. Poor Zack. He carried on without him and ran into Kane.

"_Oi, Kane!_" (Hello, Kane! In Portuguese).

"Where's Zack and isn't this supposed to be Spanish...?"

"Portuguese! It's supposed to be fucking Portuguese!" Evan shouted. Now he heard the children. They were telling Kane the rules of swearing. Fucking traitors.

"You want me to kick him in the balls? With pleasure." He did what the kids told him to do and much like Zack, he fell to the ground. Payback's a bitch, isn't it? Kane looked at the "camera" and smiled.

"_!Hola! Mi nombre es Kane._" (Hi! My name is Kane. In Spanish).

"Show off!" Nick shouted.

"We haven't found anything yet!" he shouted back. He walked out of his hiding spot and shrugged.

"Then I'm going to get a bee- water. Call me when you've found something." He nodded. Of course he wasn't gonna call him. That would take too much energy.

Kane found Mark and he didn't look too happy.

"Where's Zack and Evan?" he asked with his eyebrow raised.

"I don't know where Zack is and don't worry about Evan. Now speak Spanish." He rolled his eyes and thought about what he was going to say.

"_Hola, idiota. ¿Te vas a chupar el pene de un mono?_" (Hello, idiot. Are you going to suck a monkey's penis? In Spanish). Kane pinched him and smiled.

"He asked where I am going," he told the children."I'm going to ask for a lift." He whispered it in his ear and he laughed.

"_Te voy a dar un ascensor después de pagarme,_" (I'll give you a lift after you pay me. In Spanish.). He said with his hand held out. He pinched him again and told the kids that he was going to take them. They hopped in his car and took off for Punk's house. When they got there he gave Kane a banana for Punk.

"_¿No viene usted?_" (Aren't you coming? In Spanish)

"_Vete a la mierda no._" (Fuck no. In Spanish). He drove off and Kane raised his eyebrow. He walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. Punk opened the door and looked at the banana.

"Is that for me?" He nodded. Punk took the banana and slammed the door in his face.

"That's it! I came to give you a fucking banana?" Evan snuck up behind him and he kicked him in the nuts. Thanks for coming, Kane.

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**Is it funny? Is it boring? C'mon, I need to know!**


	3. Chapter 3: Christmas

Chapter 3: Christmas

"Merry Christmas!" Dolph shouted, waking up the rest of his roommates. Mark was the first one to fall, the came Kane on top of him.

"Get the hell off of me!" Mark said while pushing Kane off him. Seriously, he needed to go on a diet. Or just skip the damn food for maybe a year.

"Okay, if anyone gives me a dildo like last year, I will make it my life goal to get someone *cough* John Cena *cough* to use it on you," Evan said while getting up from the floor.

"You were the one that told us about your gay experience." Zack said while looking in the mirror.

"One time! It happened one freaking time!"

"Riiiiight." Zack looked out of the window and saw Vince outside kissing John Cena. No wonder."Holy shit! Get the cameras! We got tongues being tied. Vinny Mac and Johnny boy." The rest of them ran over and saw their boss making out with the golden boy if the WWE.

"I'm sure this is the most appropriate thing that they do," Punk said. He walked away and looked under the Christmas tree. He sighed when he saw that the biggest gift was his. No, I didn't mis-type that. He SIGHED for getting the biggest gift. "Get your asses over here! I wanna open my damn present." All of them ran over and made sure that they had the correct amount of gifts. Punk opened the smallest one first which came from Evan. "A book." He read the first page then threw it at him. "A book about flowers? Really?"

"Who doesn't like flowers?" Everyone in the room except for him raised their hand. "I stand corrected. Evan opened his biggest gift which was from Mark. "A snow cone machine? Thanks!" He was going to kiss him but he stopped him.

"I don't wanna help you with your second gay experience." Everyone laughed and Evan flipped them off. Now to Kane. He opened a medium-sized box from Dolph. He smile grew on his face and that was something abnormal. "A box full of matches. Excellent," he said while taking out a box.

"Put those down. You wouldn't want to kill people again, would you?" He shook his head and looked at Dolph.

"My turn." He took up the first gift he saw. Oh, Lord. A gift from Kane. "A...What the hell is this?" He said while looking at the distorted figure.

"It's a dog paw. I went to a dog cemetery and dug one up then I cut off it's paw and added some glitter to make it look better."

"Thanks...?"

" You're welcome."

"Okay, it's my turn." He looked at the gift from CM Punk and opened it. "Cocks excite me," he said while looking at the pink shirt.

"Don't they?" Punk said with a grin.

"No...Well, I don't think so."

"MAY 19!" Evan shouted out. Uh-oh.

What the hell did you just say?" Kane said slowly.

"I- I'm so- sorry. I- It just slipped out." Kane put his hand around Evan's throat and choke slammed him.

"Okay, it's safe to say that we won't open anymore gifts until Kane's happy-ish again," Dolph said.

"Agreed," Mark, Zack and Punk said in unison.

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**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


	4. Chapter 4: Evan's Journal

**Hello! Wow, I didn't think that anybody would like this story. I really brightened up my day, seeing as I have Leukemia. So, thanks to all who reviewed, favorited and followed this story so far.**

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Chapter 4:Evan's Journal

**_December 26, 2012..._**

**_Well, I finally got the journal with the unicorns on it. Thank you, Punk! The downside to this is that it doesn't have a lock. But, who cares? I can write my thoughts in this thing and they are very crazy. I'm not crazy, though. I just like crazy things. _**

**_Anyway, I met a girl today. Her name was Mark, which is strange because she looks just like the Mark that I know. She's bald, she has green eyes and she's 7 feet tall. She also has dozens of tattoos. She has a really deep voice, kind of like Mark. The funniest thing she said to me was, "What the hell, Evan? Why are you trying to touch my dick?" Ha. She totally digs me. What I don't know is how she knew my name before I even told her. Regardless, I like her._**

**_December 27, 2012_**

**_Today was the worst day of my life. No, I'm not exaggerating. Today was really the worst day of my life. I can't find my phone. I had all my pictures and phone numbers on it. How can I live without those things? Oooooh I got a text message. After I read it, I'm going to continue looking for my phone._**

**_December 28, 2012_**

**_I still can't find my phone. I think the guys are just trying to fuck with me on purpose. Joke's on them. I got John Cena to flirt with them all day. That'll teach them to steal my phone. Yaaaay! Someone's calling me!_**

**_December 30, 2012_**

**_I just got my ass kicked. It turns out that I had my phone all along. The funny thing is, I never heard it ringing and I know I didn't leave it on silent. Oh, well, I need to talk to the girl. Her phone number magically appeared in my phone. I'm so lucky!_**

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**Kind of short, but I'm running out of ideas. Do you have any?**


	5. Chapter 5: Kane's Journal

Chapter 5: Kane's Journal

_**January 1, 2013...**_

_**I finally got the journal. The guys can never know about this. It'll be too embarrassing. That's why I'm hiding it in the fridge.**_

_**Yay, it's finally 2013! That means I'm going to stop playing with fire. I'm just kidding. I can never stop playing with fire. EVER. That's like my whole life. Anyway, I'm going to let a hot blonde give me head.**_

_**January 2, 2013**_

_**Well, that hot blonde was actually Dolph's dog, Ralph. I was apparently, drunk off my ass. But hey, the dog can give some good head. I have to dog sit for Dolph more often. What am I saying? I can get any hot blonde that I want! Ah, who am I kidding? What sane person would want to blow a 7 foot tall deranged monster? I'm gonna find out.**_

_**January 3, 2013**_

_**Well, there's one sane person and that would be Jillian Hall. Yes, she's delusional about the singing part, but she's still sane. In some ways. Okay, maybe she's a little nuts. Ah, fuck it. The girl's completely insane! More insane than AJ. I like that.**_

_**January 4, 2013**_

_**Well, that wasn't nice. She was singing through our entire date. She sang old theme song, Evan's theme song, Dolph's theme song and, the worst of them all, HERS. Damn, she sings songs that were intended to be bad, far BEYOND bad. Really, if she doesn't shut up, I will set her on fire and I'm capable of it.**_


	6. Chapter 6: Dolph's Journal

Chapter 6: Dolph's Journal

**_January 5, 2013..._**

**_Why do I have a journal? Well, that's easy. A certain idiot named Evan Bourne left notes all around my house to buy one. I don't even know what to write in here. Well, I'll just start with my failed attempts at finding a good date._**

**_Well, earlier, I asked AJ out. Now, she's all obsessed with me. I went in the shower to get ready and I found her sitting on the toilet. I went to buy flowers and when I came back, she was in the back seat of my car. Now, I'm in the men's room trying to figure out how get out of the restaurant._**

**_January 6, 2013_**

**_I'm trapped in her house! She has 15,000 locks on each door and window. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it was a lot. Wait, what is she... She's taking off her clothes. God, HELP M_****_—_**

**_January 7, 2013_**

**_I can't get clean. The girl shoved a needle through my dick and then pouted candle wax all over it. I'm writing this in her bed while she's making "treats" as she calls them. Wait, is that a whip and some cream and she's coming towards me. Oh my God, I'm gonna die!_**

**_January 8, 2013_**

**_That was not the most pleasant feeling in the world. She gave me a black eye. We were having SEX. She didn't accidentally punch me. She hit my eye with her elbow so I could scream. She's supposed to be back with a costume. Dear God, a police costume. We all know what's gonna happen next._**


	7. Chapter 7: Punk's Journal

Chapter 7: Punk's Journal

**_January 9, 2013..._**

**_I secretly like journals. I have since I was 15, but I was always around people when I saw one. I bought one now because I know that Evan has one. Anyway, my day was alright. I just found out that Dolph went on a date with the psycho bitch, AJ. I haven't seen him in four days. I warned him, but Dolph being Dolph, of course, he didn't listen._**

**_January 10, 2013_**

**_I saw Dolph today. He looked like crap. He had a black eye and he was walking funny. I'm sure she did the needle and candle wax thing. I talked my way out of that one. It was too extreme for my tastes and I'm really extreme._**

**_January 11, 2013_**

**_I got a date! Her name's Ryaleodesjuandiajuvoanitansa u. It's pronounced exactly the way it's spelt. I have no idea what country she's from and I don't remember how to spell her last name which is weird because it's relatively shorter. Anyway, I'm going to get ready._**

**_January 12, 2013_**

**_That was the worst date ever. She kept talking about how she likes small dicks. I thought I had the opposite of that, but she said that we had the best sex ever. That means I was the smallest she's ever had. That's not right. I'm supposed to be the best in the bed to everyone who likes the big ones. I hate my life._**


	8. Chapter 8: Zack's Journal

Chapter 8: Zack's Journal

_**January 13, 2013...**_

_**WWWIGAJ! That is, woo, woo, woo. I got a journal! Now I can write the crap that my friends do in here. Starting with Evan. The idiot broke my phone because he thought that they were gonna take over the world. He also broke my foot because he thought that they were gonna take over the world. He also broke my foot because he thought it was mechanical. Dumbass.**_

_**January 14, 2013**_

_**8. That is the number of Megadeth albums (A/N: If you don't like Heavy Metal, I suggest that you don't look them up) that Kane burned. He did it because he said that they sounded horrible. In what form or shape is Megadeth horrible? Again, dumbass.**_

_**January 15, 2013 **_

_**Dolph, surprisingly, did nothing wrong. You actually believe that crap? Ha! After AJ totally messed up his mind, he always tries to put needles through my nipples. He succeeded once today and it hurt like hell. It's fun night with me and my girlfriend and she likes to use clothespins on me. Am I supposed to tell her that some crazy dude put needles through my nipples? That's believable...**_

_**January 16, 2013**_

_**Punk, I can actually tolerate. He doesn't get drunk, which I like. HA! You fell for it again! He's boring. We went to a party and he kept telling people to stop dancing. It was a damn party. What person tells people to stop dancing at a party? At one point, I was making out with my girlfriend and he pulled me off to say that I didn't know what I was doing, because I was, apparently, drunk. I would say that he was a party pooper, but I hate that term. He's a party pooper that is straight edge. That sounds better.**_

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**Expect the next chapter on or after the 20th.**


	9. Chapter 9: Mark's Journal

Chapter 9: Mark's Journal

**_January 17, 2013..._**

**_I'm not surprised by this news. AJ and Dolph were kidnapped and now and Evan is making all of us look for him. Sometimes I wonder how he gets chicks._**

**_January 18, 2013_**

**_I'm on some deserted island. I'm starving, thirsty and Evan won't shut up about the first time he got laid. Wait, I found something. It feels heavy and...I just touched some crap. Hate. My. Life._**

**_January 19, 2013_**

**_I'm still here on this island and it's getting harder by the minute. Jillian suddenly appeared here and she's been singing nonstop. It's not the singing I hate, it's the- who am I kidding? She fucking sucks! It's like someone put a knife, scissors, needle, pin and porcupine up both my ears. Yeah, that bad._**

**_January 20, 2013_**

**_I can't believe this. I helicopter just stopped for us and when we got on, we explained to them why we here. When we were finished, the pilot said that AJ and Dolph never got kidnapped. AJ kidnapped Dolph. Un-fucking-believable._**


	10. Chapter 10:Prank Night

Chapter 10: Prank Night

Prank night is what all the boys had on their minds this morning. That meant they weren't allowed anywhere near the arena. It would've probably been blown up. These were the rules of prank night: they had to wait until it was seven o'clock to start pranking, it couldn't involve guns, knives, or any other weapon that could kill, they could never put any of the pranks the internet, if they got pranked, they get eliminated, and, the person who pranks the most people gets a blowjob from Kelly Kelly.

Seven o'clock was in five minutes and everyone sat together, counting the seconds. As soon as the digital clock read '7:00', Kane got up and looked at the top of the door for a bucket filled with, well, anything. When he didn't see one, he stepped through the door to go see what traps they set. Since Kane was a sucker for fire, Zack decided that a flaming piece of paper would take him to his trap. He hired someone to walk past him with the paper to a secret place. He led him to a fountain outside where the actor threw the paper in. Knowing Kane, he would've sat there in agony until someone dragged his ass to his room. When he sat, the block that he was sitting on, fell in the water and so did he. Kane is gone.

* * *

Dolph was the one who got blown by Kelly Kelly for three months in a row, so he knew the perfect ways to get people eliminated. He decided to get the Deadman first. There was one thing that he loved more than ever that no one knew about but him and that was, he loved drawing. He liked witnessing people drawing and he liked to draw himself. That's why he left a sketch pad and some colored pencils in his room. When Mark saw them, he looked around to make sure that no one was around. When he picked up the pencil, he heard something soft, quickly dropped it, dragged Dolph into his room and locked it. Seconds later, Jillian's theme song started playing and there was no way he could turn it off without a key which he left on the other side of the door. The tables turned, so Dolph lost...just like he lost the Royal Rumble. **(A/N: That's what he gets for eliminating Chris Jericho. Spaghetti haired bitch. I still love him, though)**.

* * *

Punk decided that Zack was the easiest to prank, because all he cared about was pranking people and he didn't care who was going to prank him. Punk usually resorted to clichés, but they seemed to work most of the time. When he heard that Zack was going to get some hair gel, he got up and watched as Kelly Kelly passed. This was so his attention would be drawn away from the cord that he was about to trip over. When he did, a pie hit him on the side of his head. The only people who were left the competition now are Mark, Punk and Evan.

* * *

Mark had originally planned to prank Punk. He didn't know why, but he was still going to. His plan was possibly the best out of everyone. He took out his business cell phone and called him. He waited until he picked up.

"Hey, Punk. I just heard that Mark and Evan eliminated themselves. Meet me in the Lobby. I want this to be special since I liked you for a long time," he said in a girl voice. What happened next was unbelievable. Punk put his hand through the phone and pushed Mark in tank filled with clown fish that magically appeared next to him. The clown fishes still counted as a prank since Mark watched _Finding Nemo_ and has been afraid of them for a long time. The tables turned on Mark this time, now.

* * *

No one expected this one. Punk and Evan were in the last two. This meant that chaos was about to ensue. Evan was just sitting there, eating cookies when Punk snuck up behind him and tried to pour sugar down his pants. _Tried_. When he was about to, Evan turned around and kicked him in the shin. He ran away, still with a cookie in his hand and his foot touched the cord that had been set up again, just in case. He quickly ducked before the pie hit him. This caused the pie to hit Punk, who was behind him. Evan won and that means he'll rub it in their faces.

"I won! I'm gonna get a blowjob from Kelly Kelly! What room is she in?" That caused Punk to smirk. He knew someone who was staying at the hotel that didn't wrestle. This was going to be a classic.

"I guess you won fair and square. She's in 415."

* * *

"Hey, I'm here to get my blow—who the hell are you?" Standing in front of him was an old woman whose teeth were gone. At least he knew it wasn't gonna be toothy.

"Come in." When he did, she shut the door and laughing was immediately heard. Evan was still the winner.


	11. Chapter 11:Candy Is Bad

**Chapter 11: Candy Is Bad**

_Evan woke up in a land filled with potato chips and a blonde girl next to him. He rose up from the grass and kissed his new whore on the lips. A gigantic turtle ran across the field and blew Evan a kiss. He left the blonde girl and chased after the turtle. It went into a room with candy everywhere. This was heaven to him, now. Again, there was the turtle that he found the need to chase. He found a bag of popcorn and hit him over the head with it until it became unconscious. Another strange animal came out of nowhere. An ant. A small ant. Unusually small. He shrunk down and ate it. It tasted like a leather jacket. Another blonde who was small, too, showed up in a purple bikini. He walked over to her and grabbed her crotch. She laughed and kissed him. The other blonde came beside him and he did the same to her. A wild Pepsi can appeared and he drank it. It screamed straight-edge every three seconds. _

_"Evan, do you want to have sex?" one of the blondes said. He and the blondes magically went back to normal size._

_ "Hell yes!" Her hand was about to grab his dick._

"WAKE UP, YOU ASSHOLE FROM HELL!" Zack shouted. Evan looked around for his candy and his whores. When he didn't see any, he slapped Zack. "Fuck! I should slap you. You touched my dick and you almost had sex with Dolph.

"No, that happened with two blonde chicks."

"Those blonde chicks were us." He examined them closely and realized that they had the same shade of blonde as the girls.

"Oh...what about the gigantic turtle?" He noticed that Kane was wearing a green shirt.

"Why the hell did you chase me into the bathroom?"

"Okay, there was an unusually small ant. What happened to that?" There was a bite mark on Mark's new leather jacket.

"Next time, I'll kill you."

"Okay, the Pepsi I saw was obviously you, Punk. What did I do?"

"You sucked on my skin, my face and my lips." He looked at the floor until Punk spoke again. "Unlike Mark, though, I _will_ kill you." Punk grabbed a knife and stabbed his hand. After that, Evan started to laugh.

"It looks like blood. I'm gonna eat it." The rest of them just watched as he ate the blood. They couldn't believe how incredibly stupid he was, so they left him alone. That's what happened when they gave Evan candy.


	12. Chapter 12: Another Day Off

**Okay, here we go again. Ziggles is Dolph Ziggler, Rydher is Zack Ryder, Show Some Respect...To My Penis is CM Punk, Rest in Bed is The Undertaker, Airbourne is Evan Bourne and Big Red Love Snake is Kane.**

* * *

**Chapter 12: Another Day Off**

**Ziggles: **As we all know, Kane let my dog give him a blowjob.

**Rydher: **I didn't know...

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **Neither did I and I didn't need to.

**Rest in Bed: **What the hell?

**Airbourne: **I didn't know, either. Can he give me one too! :D

**Big Red Love Snake: **First off, no, Evan. You cannot. And second, how the hell did you know?!

**Ziggles: **I didn't. I wrote that for shits and giggles. You sick bastard...

**Big Red Love Snake:** Oh... Well, he looks like a hot blonde when I'm drunk.

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **This is why I don't drink.

**Ziggles: **So you don't bang ugly chicks?

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **No...So I don't let dogs give me head.

**Rest in Bed: **Who the fuck pissed in my suitcase?!

**Airbourne: **Ii DoN't KnOw...

**Rest in Bed: **Evan, why did you pee in my suitcase?

**Airbourne: **Ii DiDn'T dO iT!

**Rest in Bed: **You always type like this when you lie.

**Ziggles: **Okay, I can guess how he did it. He was tired, he wanted to use the bathroom and the lights were off. He got up, raped the wall in search for the light switch and when he got tired of raping it, he raped everything until he found what felt a lid. He lifted it up, dropped his shorts, began to piss and shouted "Ahhh, success!"

**Rest in Bed:** This is oddly detailed...How do you know?

**Ziggles: **Because I did it.

**Rydher: **Run as fast as you can now.

**_Ziggles has been murdered..._**

**Rydher: **How the hell does it know!

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **I had sex with it and now it's aware of everything that's going on.

**Rydher: **Really?

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **Do something and you'll see

**_Rydher is masturbating to a picture of Vickie Guerrero..._**

**Airbourne: **What the fuck man?

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **For once, I agree with Evan. What the fuck?

**_Rest in Bed is masturbating at the thought of Rydher masturbating to Vickie Guerrero..._**

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **Why is everyone acting like horny teenagers today?

**_Big Red Love Machine is burning his penis..._**

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **That's just plain weird, now...

**_Airbourne is masturbating to John Cena, Vince McMahon and Vickie Guerrero having a threesome..._**

**Show Some Respect...To My Penis: **I'm going to ignore what he's masturbating to. They're having a threesome? That's just wrong.

**_Show Some Respect...To My Penis never deleted unwanted programs after having sex..._**

**Rydher: **You're fucked, man.

**_Starting The Electronic Apocalypse..._**

**Rydher: **We're all fucked, now. Thanks, Punk.

**_Airbourne, Rydher, Show Some Respect...To My Penis, Big Red Love Snake and Rest in Bed have been raped..._**

**_Ziggles' dead body has been raped..._**


	13. Chapter 13: Your Wife's Hot

**A/N:** I'm not _officially_ back. I just got some time and I decided to update this story only because it was funny, unlike the rest of my incomplete stories that are morbid.

Also, thank you everyone for wishing the best for me. Your reviews really helped me. Knowing that people I don't personally know cared really put a smile on my face.

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**Story Notes:** Dolph and Zack will only be "seen" in this chapter. They won't actually "speak".

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**Wrestling Idiots 13:** Your wife's hot

* * *

"Evan, you're driving today," Mark said.

It was Evan's turn to drive a long time ago, but he acted like a retard during all those times. That day, surprisingly, he wasn't doing weird things.

Evan waited until everyone got in the to get in. He put on his seat belt and started it. Kane held on to his seat, knowing that Evan would drive like he would in Grand Theft Auto. Surprisingly again, he drove like any other civilized person would.

He approached the first stop and he glanced up at a billboard for an A/C repair company that read "Your wife's hot!". Anger quickly built up in him. He looked at the bottom of the billboard and saw the address was right around the corner.

He ignored the stop sign and proceeded to drive like he was in Grand Theft Auto. "What the fuck are you doing?!" Kane screamed.

"Shut the fuck up, you dog sucking fuck head!" Kane was taken aback by Evan's sudden growth of balls. He _was_ about to hit him in those same balls, but Dolph and Zack, and Mark held him down.

"Evan, slow the fuck down, you're going to kill us!" Mark said, still holding Kane down.

Evan turned a sharp corner, making Mark slam his head on the window. "Let him go," Mark said to Zack and Dolph. They did exactly what they were told, not wanting to be hit by him.

Kane got up and hit Evan in the balls. He screamed out in pain and crashed into a building. All of them flew forward, but all they got was a few scrapes.

Evan saw the same sign again and realized that he got to his destination. He exited the broken car.

Mark waited a while before getting out of the car. "Stay here," he said. He met Evan at the front desk arguing with a man named Stan. He knew him, but he didn't remember where he knew him from.

"HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT HER LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKING PERVERT!" Evan shouted.

"Sir, that's just an—"

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT IT IS! SHE'S MY WIFE AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S ALLOWED TO LOOK AT HER LIKE THAT!"

Mark was confused. He knew Evan didn't have a wife. He didn't even have a girlfriend!

He pushed Evan aside and rolled his eyes. "What's the problem? Why is he acting all bitchy?"

Stan scratched his head. "He saw on of our ads that said "Your wife's hot! Better fix your A/C." He must have thought that I was staring at his wife in a sexual manner."

"HE UNDRESSED MY WIFE WITH HIS EYES! KICK HIS ASS, MARK!"

"Evan...YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING WIFE!"

"Oh...yeah. Oooh! Chocolate!" Evan said while staring at the bowl filled with Kisses.

Mark rolled his eyes. "Take one."

"It's twenty-five cents," Stan said.

"I don't have twenty-five cents. Let's go."

Evan super kicked Stan. "I JUST KICKED STAN!"

Mark instantly remembered where he knew him from. His face...priceless.


	14. Chapter 14: Let's Dance

**A/N: **Okay, I'm back...officially! I'm completely clean! And also, guess what? I'm getting married! Woohoo!

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**Story Notes:** I think I'm going to add more people to this story. How about Fandango? You can vote for the next superstar in your review. But you can only choose between Dean Ambrose and JBL.

* * *

**Wrestling Idiots 14: **Let's Dance

* * *

"I feel like dancing," Zack said, breaking through the silence.

"Go ask Evan. He had some experience in dancing with men," Punk said with air quotes by the word 'dancing'. Evan smiled, then got up to hug Zack.

"Welcome to the world of gay, bro,"

"What the fuck, dude? I'm not gay! I just want to dance in the literal sense!"

"So, you're gay?" Dolph asked. Evan shook his head. "Then why did you try to hug him when you thought he was gay?"

"I...Uhhh...Shut up."

"Umm, is anyone going to join me with the dancing thing?"

"Sure," Kane said, getting up off the couch. "Music!"

Dolph turned on Foreclosure of a Dream by Megadeth. Everyone looked at him like he was stupid. "You want us to dance to a song about politics?"

"Fine, how about this?" He turned on Fandango's theme song. When Zack and Kane started dancing, he magically appeared in the room.

"Fandango!" they said in unison.

"No! It's Fandinkleberg! Anyway, putting that aside, I sensed horrible dancing. You don't dance like a diseased elephant is giving birth to five hundred mouses. You dance like this!" He started doing some kind of fucked up shit with his arms, then he glanced at the couch. He noticed that Mark was sleeping. He clapped his hands and a black marker appeared. He sat on Marks lap and wrote his phone number on his forehead. He put Evan to sit down and he did the same thing. "Call me," he whispered into his ear.

Fandinkleberg clapped his hands and he disappeared. Mark woke up and looked at everyone, who looked like they had seen Vince dress up as a unicorn and give John Cena a blowjob. "What?"

"Nothing," they all said.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **It's been a while… I've been suffering from writer's block and figured that doing another MSN chat would help.

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**Wrestling Idiots 15: **The Worst Day Off…EVER

* * *

**Airbourne**: I have a wicked boner right now...

**Rest In Bed:** Dear God, can't you go one day without saying something sexual?

**Rydher**: What's got you hard?

**Ziggles**: Did you seriously ask that? Why do you need to know? Perv…

**Big Red Love Snake**: You know, I actually want to know.

**Show Some Respect…To My Penis:** I want to know, too. But only because it's going to be funny, no doubt.

**Rydher**: Shut up Punk! You got us raped by a computer the last time we were on here.

**Ziggles**: Oh, yeah. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

**Rest In Bed:** That's because you were dead. Speaking of which, how the hell are you alive?

**Airbourne**: No ones interested in my boner anymore. :-(

**Show Some Respect…To My Penis:** Evan, why the hell are you looking out the window?

**Airbourne**: Punk has man-boobs. Man-boobs are gross. Worms.

**Ziggles**: Kane has man-boobs. Are you saying that Kane's man-boobs are gross?

**Big Red Love Snake:** Did you just say that I have man-boobs? I feel self-conscious now. Thanks a lot, Dolph!

**Ziggles**: Don't mention it, buddy.

**Rydher**: Guys, I have a confession to make. I have a tiny penis. Just let that sink in for a while.

**Rest In Bed:** We all knew that.

**Airbourne**: Me too, brother. I used to hate going to chemistry class because they used to talk about atoms and neutrons and all that crap and I think, "No matter how tall I get, my dick is never going to be as big as those things."

**Rydher**: Dude, it's not that small. It's as big as a Mike and Ike. Yep that's show small my gay rod is.

**Ziggles**: That's not good, dude. Like, seriously. It would be better if you had a fucking vagina.

**Airbourne**: Okay, I got a boner off of punk.

**Show Some Respect…To MY Penis:** Excuse me while I throw up the contents of my stomach.

**Big Red Love Snake:** Not so funny now, is it?


End file.
